**Note: The picture is a gorgeous (resized) gift from my bb, steofrh! (Thank you!) All the credit goes to her!**
Yunho (DBSK) x Jaejoong (DBSK).
Category: K-Pop.
Length: Multi-chaptered.
Genres: Angst, drama, humor, romance.
Rating: PG-13.
Warning: Anorexia, bulimia, homosexuality, light swearing, sexual implications.
Summary: Kim Jaejoong is a bulimic heading straight for anorexia. Needing to meet the high standards of perfection that are shoved in his face, he deprives himself of proper nourishing and resorts to purging to attain the perfect figure. Everything is done in such secret terms that although the members suspect that something is wrong, they can't quite pinpoint the problem itself. But Yunho is determined to get to the bottom of this. For Jaejoong's sake... but for himself, too.
***
[RECAP]
[Jaejoong's POV]
At one point, though, I start feeling a little bit faint. I don't pay much attention to the momentary weakness, thinking it nothing to worry about. I have participated in many concerts before, and this one is no different than the others, so why would I not be able to keep going? I can't do this to the members. I can't do this to the fans. They came here for a concert, and a concert they will have.
Here.
Just like that.
Everything is going exactly as it should, so why is the floor suddenly getting closer? Why is it so dark? The show is a success; the fans' screams are a sure proof... Right?
No... Please not now... I can't let them down.
"H-Hey! Jaejoong! What's gotten into you? Are you okay?!
Jaejoong!"
[/ END RECAP]
***
[Yunho's POV]
From the beginning of the concert and on, I keep an eye on Jaejoong's frail figure moving around the stage, staying as close to him as I can, apprehending the moment where his body will reach its limit... Something like that is bound to happen, I think, and I am right. About halfway through the show, I see him grow pale and collapse under buckling knees. Frozen to the spot, I watch as he hits the hard floor of the stage bathing in the luminescence of the bright spotlights.
The terrified screams of the fans are the only symphony to his decline.
He has done it again. He has pushed himself too much, gone beyond what he had the strength to do.
The recording of the supporting music is brutally put to a halt as the younger members and I stop performing to run up to the fallen silhouette. Yoochun seems to lose it momentarily as he tries to shake his hyung back to consciousness, but I manage to keep my calm and pick Jaejoong up.
Carrying him in my arms, I rush backstage with the members on my heels, heading towards our dressing room on the double. Once we are in the safety of the restricted area, I lay him down on the soft surface of a couch, kneeling down before the piece of furniture to take a closer look at him. The others join my side, along with our manager.
“Do you think I should call an ambulance?” Changmin asks me, cellphone in hand already.
To be honest, I don't know.
Usually, that would have been along my course of action, but at the same time, I can't ignore Jaejoong's threat that if someone was to find out what he did, he wouldn't hesitate to end his own life.
Before I can do anything, Junsu takes position next to him and reaches forward to rid him of his scarf, meaning no harm but being obviously unaware of what he's about to do. “...We should take this off so that he can breathe more easily.” He offers, but he isn't given the chance to make the neck garment come loose. Instead, Jaejoong springs back to life, clutching the accessory to keep it in place.
He looks a bit confused as to what just happened. “...Why am I here? ...Wait. What about the concert?”
His head must be a little fuzzy from passing out.
Seeing that he has just regained consciousness, we all gather closer around him. “You fainted.” Junsu explains, sitting down on the couch next to him. “Don't you think that you may be working a little bit too hard, hyung? You should rest for the time being, until you get better. Isn't that right?” He asks for our opinion, and we all nod in agreement.
“Since we're in accord, shouldn't we get you examined by a doctor to make sure that nothing's wrong?” Changmin inquires as he stuffs his phone in his pocket. “We have grounds to worry about your health, and we shouldn't wait until you collapse again.”
In that situation, after what happened, Jaejoong can't pretend that nothing is wrong.
We have evidence, after all.
Jaejoong blanches considerably from his spot on the couch, lifting his hands as a shield when we make to keep him from falling over. “...There won't be a need to. I mean, I only fainted. It's nothing that you should worry about. It's not like this has never happened before.”
Judging that it is his cue to intervene, considering his authority, Manager-hyung takes the floor. “Then we'll announce that the concert is over and go back to the hotel for the time being, so that you can rest... Tomorrow, I'll make an announcement that the tour is canceled until further notice and go forth with the refunding procedures. Jaejoong... You're in no condition to perform and there's no way the concerts can happen if you don't take part in them. Your health comes before everything else.”
At a loss, Jaejoong hangs his head slightly, finally aware that we won't let him fight his way out of this. “Alright... I understand.” True, he has given up, but he still looks terribly guilty. “...I'm sorry.”
Not good. It will get dangerous if he blames himself for this again.
I have to do something.
“Don't be sorry. It's not your fault.” I tell him as we prepare to go out on stage one last time before returning to the hotel, needing to inform Cassiopeia of the situation. They must be worried sick about his condition. “...For now, just think about getting some rest and letting us take care of you, okay?”
How disappointed he seems to be. He was so looking forward to singing once again...
Thankfully, I believe he's starting to realize the size of his problem.
Manager-hyung has something to say before we go, though. Something that Jaejoong has to keep in mind, that he would do well to remember. “Take all the time you need... However, when you will feel that you are strong enough to do so, I expect you to enlighten us about what's going on with you. You will have to tell us eventually, Jaejoong, and sooner might be better than later.”
“...Thank you.”
***
[Jaejoong's POV]
As we all go out the door of the concert hall, we are instantly welcomed by the usual: frantic clicks and flashes, as well as animated chatter. A herd of enthusiastic journalists assemble around us, questioning us about the cause of my malaise and my present condition, but we just keep moving forward without giving them so much as a mere glance. From my spot on Yunho's back, I bury my face into his neck, pretending to be asleep as he gives me a piggyback ride back to the van.
“How is Mister Kim holding on?”
“Could you inform us of the reason why he collapsed so suddenly?”
“Mister Jung! Your opinion, please! Is there a link to be made between Mister Kim's loss of consciousness and the recent decline of his health?”
But neither Yunho nor anyone else speaks out the details to the reporters. Behind closed eyelids, I can't see what's happening, but I can tell from the movement of Yunho's body that we haven't stopped going forward and that we must be making our way through the mass of journalists, with the help of our designated bodyguards. Soon, the noise becomes lower and further away, and as my eyes flutter open, I realize that we have reached the inside of the vehicle.
What a way to draw attention to myself. So much for trying to keep a low profile...
I... would have preferred to keep my secret to myself.
Okay, so I was unhappy this way, but at least it concerned no one but me. Not anyone else had to be weighted down by what obsessed me night and day – that endless desire to lose weight, that never once quenched thirst for perfection, that dissatisfaction towards my body and myself in general...
No matter how it pained me to live this way, I didn't want this lifestyle to change, so long as the others were not affected by it. That, I couldn't allow to happen. Thus... For a long time, I was oblivious to the fact that my members hurt just as much as I did from the strict diet that I imposed upon myself. Why it took me so long to become aware of that, I don't know. All I know is that, had I known before that they suspected what was actually my reality, I would have been more careful.
From the beginning, it never was my intention to cause so much harm...
By pushing myself too much and fainting out there, on stage, I have tarnished TVXQ's image, so I need to accept the consequences of what happened... The first being to abide by what has been asked of me.
Accept help, no matter how hard it's going to be. Hold out my hand...
And let myself be led back to my senses.
***
[Yunho's POV]
After we made the cancellation announcement, which was met rather calmly and with much relief from the fans' part, we left the venue. On the way out, we were followed by a small crowd of journalists who had been alerted as soon as Jaejoong had fainted on the stage. Either that or they were expecting something of that scope to happen, eager to be the first to interrogate us about it.
Regardless, I find it loathsome how they can so hungrily feed on such things.
I mean, I have nothing against reporters, but sometimes they should learn to show some respect...
We're used to it, but for some reason, tonight... I just can't bear it.
Anyway, we managed to get back to the hotel and were sent to our respective rooms to get some sleep. The manager especially asked of me to keep watch over Jaejoong, although that's something that I had already decided to do. At first, I stayed by his bedside until he fell asleep, but soon fatigue came over me and I crawled back to my own bed.
Now, barely half an hour later, my eyes have shot open of themselves.
Not long after I fell into a deep slumber, my mind was assaulted by images of what I had seen the night before, when I woke up to find Jaejoong hanging from the ceiling. As I had imagined would happen, the nightmares have already started troubling my rest...
Hopefully they remain nothing but a product of my imagination... A mere deformation of the reality.
I can live with them, as long as Jaejoong himself lives on.
As my heart beats at a wild pace, I sit up in bed to look around the room, expecting the worst to have taken place once more. Thankfully, I find that he is still in bed, although he is now lying on his side, facing me. Heaving a great sigh of relief, I pivot my body to the right and slide off the mattress until my feet touch the ground, inching closer to his location.
Once I am standing right by him, I take a closer look at him. What greets my eyes isn't exactly a reassuring sight, to be honest. While he was sleeping, it seems like Jaejoong's shirt has slid up, and...
I can finally see just how much weight he has lost.
I never thought...
Before, it wasn't as easy to tell, as Jaejoong had been hiding under thick layers of clothing or loose garments that left a lot to the imagination.
Because the fabric has been pushed up, probably from him moving in his sleep, his sides and abdomen are now slightly revealed, showing an immaculate skin drawn tight over an almost fatless stomach. A little more up north, ribs are scarily protruding. As for the sleeping angel's face... He has dark rings under his eyes and his cheeks are sunken from eating so little and purging.
So small and fragile-looking in his state of unconsciousness... The epitome of vulnerability.
How could I possibly not want to protect him bad?
Despite my desire to lie down next to him and hold him, I stretch my arm out to put his shirt back into place and cover his bare skin, but as my fingers come into contact with him, his eyes snap open and he sits up in a fright. Backing into the headboard to get as far from me as he can, he pulls on his shirt to do himself what I had intended to in the first place.
At the prospect that I might have caught a glimpse of his body, he seems to be terrified. “Y-Yunho...? W-Why are you...? Don't look at me...” So as not to alert the others, he whispers in a hissing manner.
Why does he despise himself so much?
Just how messed up is his mind, if his vision of himself is that terribly twisted?
At the mere thought, I feel the tears welling up in my eyes once more. It can't be... I knew that Jaejoong had seen better days, but if I had known earlier that it was this bad, maybe I could have spared him of the pain a little. How blind had I been, really, to not see how broken he was?
As the tears start leaking from my eyes, I don't care anymore how freaked out he appears to be that I have seen his unclothed torso. Even when he moves back against the wall, I do not let myself be held back by the fear that he might not let me do what I'm about to carry out. I disregard the idea as I climb on the mattress, making it tip and sink slightly under my weight.
“What...” He trails off as I run my fingers down his covered flanks ever so lightly, looking at me with wide open eyes. “What... are you...”
I lean forward slowly, then...
I kiss him.
At first, I fear that he may be too shocked to respond, but soon his mouth starts moving against mine. Surprised to have him return the gesture, I open my eyes long enough to see that he has closed his, after which I mirror his actions. As I lean deeper into the kiss, placing my hand in the crook of his neck, he draws me in, ghosting his up the side of my face. Everything is so gentle and painfully careful...
Taken in by the kiss, he most likely doesn't even notice when he lets out a small whimper and a lone salty droplet escapes his dark orbs to land on my upper lip.
When I pull back, he looks at me through eyes foggy and blurred.
“I want there to be flesh on that gorgeous body of yours. If you keep going like this, you're going to disappear, Jae...” Not able to resist him much longer – and frankly, not wanting to –, I lean forward to have my lips land on his forehead. “...and I don't want that...” I tell him with a hushed voice, going for his lips this time. “...because I love you.” I conclude, keeping his lips for last.
Jaejoong opens his eyes that had automatically closed and he stays there, unmoving and speechless, lips slightly parted as he cries silently.
Somehow, seeing how much pain he's in, I can almost understand why he did what he did.
That makes me want to stop him even more. I feel that if I persevere, I will be able to keep him alive... What Jaejoong needs his a healthy routine and the help of a professional. He needs those to become his old self again... and he needs us, too.
Definitely, he has to stop blocking us out and let us in at last.
“Now you're going to promise me that it won't happen again, alright?
No more. No more binging and no more purging. The same goes for the diet pills and all that junk you've been taking. From today on, you're going to eat, sleep and exercise in
moderate proportions. But before you do that, you're going to get to your stubborn head that you're wonderful as you are.”
Jaejoong looks like he wants to believe me. His gaze, a window to his soul, allows me to see that a little bit of hope has crept into his heart. However, he still hesitates, looking down at his body. “...But I can't make that promise... Yunho, I...”
What kind of nonsense is that?
From the looks of it, he's been completely brainwashed by his illness. He's genuinely convinced that he is no good at all... Anyone who said that he was pretending or making this up would have to be out of their mind or simply dense. “Kim Jaejoong.” I interpellate him, wanting to get his full attention, and I succeed in doing so. “If
you are fat, then I am freaking
gigantic.”
My heart flutters when I manage to make him smile, even if it's only a little. “Honestly, though. You're perfect, if not a little too thin...”
Still not convinced of the fact, Jaejoong looks away from the proximity of my face.
Cupping his cheek and turning his head towards me, I continue, intent on reasoning with the man once and for all. “Hey~ Did you hear what I said? I meant that, Jae. You're beautiful.”
It feels lifting – absolutely blissful – to finally be able to tell him all those things. It's not like I had never once told him that he looked good in the past, but not that way. I was much too worried that he would be spooked by the flattering comments. Now I no longer have to hold back. “...I don't know...” He wavers, clinging to his uncertainty with the obstinance of a mule.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?
Hovering over Jaejoong menacingly, I pounce on him, managing to draw a small laugh out of him. “Would you stop doubting yourself for a second?”
The restrained man smiles amidst his tears. “Babo[1]. You're heavy.”
Since this is such a serious matter, I sort of wish he would not change the subject like that. But in a sense, I guess that the diversion in itself might be a good sign. If Jaejoong's sense of humor is coming back to him, it must mean that not everything is lost. Now that we're in this together, we won't let him face all this alone. Not anymore.
With time, he will become his old self again.
Until that day comes... We will be with him all the way, no matter what.
The five of us. Because it shouldn't be otherwise.
***
Vocabulary [1]Idiot, fool.
Chapter Fourteen
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